When I was younger, I had a dream. Okay, I'll admit I had several dreams. I was a small 12 year old with no idea just how big the world was and the endless amount of opportunities that came with its size. But, when I was 12 years old and I had a dream, I did not know or even begin to think for a minute that my dream would ever change.
I used to believe that if you thought about something for long enough or worked at it hard enough, it would eventually come to you. And I was partially right. Hard work and dedication brought me to Michigan State for running and the same morals led me to get into college for academics to pursue the degree of my choice. However, no matter how hard I have tried up to this point, no matter how much I thought about it, pure happiness, a dream of many, has never come naturally. Don't misread me, I have had my fair share of good days and moments that I will relive in my head for the rest of my life. But more often that not, bad days tend to dominate who I am and my life. And.....I have admittedly let them.
So as I am sitting here writing this blog post, I can confidently say that I am still, for the most part, unhappy and more specifically, confused. Doubts fill my every day thoughts and laying in bed each night is full of wonder and pondering whether or not I am truly doing something that is coined "worth it". I work my ass off through everything I do, it is how I have been wired and I do not doubt that this determination is what has led me to success. However, I have found that as time progresses and you get older and experience more of what the world has to offer, you begin to rethink and imagine life to a different extent and those hours spent on a specific dream can feel like a waste.
For instance, I imagine my life without running, without school, without writing etc. I think about what it would feel like to not constantly feel stress or what it would feel like to go to bed and not worry about every little thing I had to do the next day. I wonder what my life would look like if I suddenly were to extract the stressors and anxieties that absorb my life. But here is the truth, it would look exactly the same.
I've come to see this one solid truth through all of this pain and all of these challenges. Anxiety and doubt is always going to be a part of my life, it is a constant. A part of who I am and my personality. However, the way I react, the way I look at it and use it, that is what can change. It is through "adaptation, that I will "survive". It's just like anything else. You can be born with blonde hair and hate it and then decide to dye it brown. However, it won't change your chemical composition or DNA but it will change the way you feel and look.
The same goes for my anxiety. I can't change the fact that it is a part of my DNA but I can adapt and find ways to use it in order to change the way I feel and look.
That is the hardest part about all of this though. How exactly do I complete that daunting task? And how do I know if what I am doing with my life will be "worth it" if I am going to experience anxiety no matter what? I have control over my life but how do I know I am using that control for something that matters to me?
Reality check. There is no way of knowing the answers to these questions. But not knowing is okay, in fact, maybe there is something special about the unknown. No pressure, no expectations.
I go back to that anecdote of my 12 year old self. She had dreams and knew that her anxiety was a part of her life but she went after those goals because nothing could replace the gratification she received from completing a goal or setting a record.
Even though I've grown older and learned more since then, I can still see how this could apply to me now. I need to find something that sheds light on my life despite the dark clouds that encompass me each day. I need to remember that 12 year old girl with a dream, would be so proud of the person I have become today. With that, I need to remember that change is okay, stress is okay, anxiety is okay, not being okay is OKAY. But, letting thoughts and pre-concieved notions control your mind is not.
Finding what makes you happy comes with a whole lot of trial and error. Of course, the important of embracing what brought you to this moment is important, it shaped you into the person you are today. However, what brings your true and undeniable happiness is not always going to remain constant. Changing your mind is just as important to recognize as changing your hair, your eyes, your clothes, your friends. Changing your dreams, as tough as it is to accept, is okay too. You can't ignore your heart beating outside of your chest for something that is unknown to you. You can't ignore the change that is constantly evolving within you.
If I could leave everyone with one thought, it would be this: we were given these lives to do whatever we want with them. It's like someone handed us a blank notebook and said "write a story". You have the power to write whatever you want, skip pages, tear them out and try again. You have the power to change your life and change who it is you want to become. If you could embrace anything, embrace the idea that it never too late to change even if your 12 year old self wanted to become a brain surgeon....(definitely not happening, although you never know.. I could always change my mind;)
Until Next Time,
Lo:)
Comments