It has been 3 months since I last sat down and typed something up on my laptop. It has also been 3 months since I took the journal entries I've been soulfully scribbling into a notebook and developed something that I deem as "blog post worthy". I have been hiding. But why?
I started college at the end of August. Yeah, I'm a big kid now. Nevertheless, being a big kid has been extremely difficult for me and things as simple as making a blog post caused me great amounts of anxiety. I can't even begin to describe the amount of times I desperately tried to get myself to write something, anything. I would try to get my creative juices flowing by sitting at a trendy coffee shop or in a study lounge in between my morning classes. But as soon as I would sit down, the worries, the anxieties, began to spiral around in my head, telling me the things I still had to do and the places I had to be later on in the day. I could not quiet my thoughts.
Along with this inability to just write some shit down, I found it difficult to do a lot of the things I once loved. I could not sit still and read a good book or watch my favorite tv shows. My mind was constantly racing with fear, mostly fear of the unknown, and I constantly waited for the day to be over. Sadly enough, the past 3 months have been spent wishing my time away as a college student and I regret it immensely. Here is why.
1. College is not easy in a lot of ways. It's new and its a big change in every aspect. I no longer get to go home after a long day and vent to my family about bad days or even good days. I don't get to sleep in my comfy bed or room. I have to be dependent on myself and only myself. I am 100% independent. And let me tell you, being independent is all fun and games until you have to clean a bathroom or do your own laundry. However, as I sit here almost 3 months into college, I can confidently tell you that independence is truly a special thing and one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The fact that I get to choose what I want to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc, is so empowering. Yes, it is scary and yes being dependent on myself is hard, I feel more motivated than ever to reach for the stars.
2. People are cooler in college. This is a fact that was hard to admit at first. As an introverted and quiet person, I wanted nothing to do with group discussions or group projects. I remember the first day of my writing class, my professor assigned me to a partner (now one of my close friends) and I was absolutely appalled that I had to do something so ridiculous. Nevertheless, over time, I realized that there are so many cool people out there and I had been condensed to such a small community my entire life with no clue of the diversity of life. I had no idea there were so many different kinds of people out there with so many different stories and lives. I had stayed locked in my shell for that first month, afraid of ridicule, what people would think of me, if I would say something dumb. But the fact of the matter is that no one is like that in college. Nobody judges you for what you are wearing, what you say, what you do because at the end of the day we are all just trying to get a freaking job and make it in the real world. There is no time to waste on simply judging others.
3. College helps you find your true self. I think that this mostly have to do with the fact that you are constantly being pushed out of your comfort zone whether it be through making friends, doing group work or getting interviewed for internships/jobs. Another part of this is the idea that a lot of time is invested into homework so you may begin to realize your true passions through the amount of work you can handle or enjoy whilst crying or having a breakdown. This especially relates to me. I found that passions immediately began to rise when my homework increased and I invested in things that I subconsciously seemed to care about more. Now it would be helpful to mention that I am undecided currently on my major but that it has been through this college experience thus far that I have figured out that I definitely do not want to be an engineer or a doctor(math sucks). Along with this, I realized that it is okay to not know who you truly are and that sometimes knowing who you aren't is one step closer to getting to that point. Plus, things take time.
4. College is an ocean of opportunities. Going to a university like Michigan State, I have seen a broad spectrum of opportunties and things you can do to get the most out of your 4+ years. But it is all what you make of it. It is easy to get lost, as I learned the hard way. That is how I have learned the importance of taking every opportunity put in front of you. At first, I was scared and worried of being thrown out of my routine but soon enough, after taking just one big opportunity, I saw how beneficial this can be for later on in life. Not only does it accumulate into growth but it also shows others that you can be dependable and willing to do things that scare you. Before I started to run this year for the team here, I was set on being red-shirted because I liked that comfort zone I keep talking about. However, an opportunity to travel presented itself and after long conversations with people I care about it was ultimately decided that my comfort zone was holding me back and going to lead me to major regrets. Taking this opportunity nevertheless led me to see how this growth is only the beginning of the rest of my life and that it was something to be excited about.
5. Lastly, college is all about getting ready for the real world. Every single person I've talked to who has recently graduated from college has told me that they miss their college years. Yes, they are some of the hardest years of your life but they are also the best and most fun. However, these years are determined by your effort, your willingness to just let go of anything holding you back. These years are about embracing who you are, finding your passions, making friendships that will last a lifetime, embracing your independence, learning from good days and bad ones, reinventing yourself, learning in general, and living a life of possibility. But these things can only happen if you let it. So let it.
I wanted to write about all of this because I know a lot of people may be able to relate to this or could use the helpful reminder that everything is going to be okay. If you are struggling to find that light in your life, it is OKAY. Very few people actually have their shit together and if they do, they are probably lying or are not stepping out of their comfort zone. Embrace the struggle because it can only lead to growth. I may finally be able to write again but I am still riding that struggle bus each day, the only difference being now that every day gets a little better and every day I am conscious of my dreams getting closer to coming true. I hope that you are slowly able to see this too.
Until Next Time,
Lo:)
You're a pretty good writer Lo :)