I would be lying to all of you if I said that 2019 has been a good year so far for me. Not only have I struggled to come up with blog posts but I have struggled finding my identity and who I want to become. What is so odd about all of this though is the fact that it has not been about the effort I have been putting in. It is the fact that after all of my efforts, things still seem to prove unfavorable for me.
Just recently, I started to feel an achy pain in my foot. I ignored it and went for a run the next day. It wasn't until I finished a mile that I couldn't even walk. My mom took me to an emergency center that night for an x-ray to only find out that it was probably a strain. Their advice, "pain should go away in a couple of days" and no boot or crutches. But I couldn't walk. So, we took aggressive steps forward and made an appointment at MSU. Another x-ray later, and still nothing. However, this time, the doctor noticed my limp and put me in a boot with no idea what was exactly happening. Two weeks later, we went back for a second appointment and an MRI. Stress fracture. Six to eight weeks in a boot. No running.
Heartbroken is an understatement. I have never had an injury like this before and I have never felt pain like this in my life so far. I had some indoor races planned and my training at the beginning of the month was going so well. It felt as though the world was starting to conspire against me. It felt like my world, the world that I loved so much when I had running, was falling apart.
But oddly enough, this injury was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
You are probably wondering how in the world I could go from heartbroken to thankful so quickly. It wasn't the fact that I realized how minuscule of a moment this is in my life, it was more of a realization that there are so many other things in my life that were in serious need of improvement. Without running for even just a couple of days, I realized that I wasn't investing time into my friendships and that I was neglecting my health. Bottom line, I wasn't taking care of myself and the people around me and I just know that this injury was a sign from God.
Running was making me partially blind to the things I was missing in my life. I even had one of those "wide eye" moments when I first heard the news of the stress fracture. I was sitting in my room thinking "holy sh**" how did I not see THAT.
I spent a couple of restless nights trying to come up with ways to get control over my life and the things that were seriously hurting me. But it wasn't that specific things were hurting me, it was that I was hurting myself.
So I took some time to really analyze what was going on and that is why it has taken me so long to summer up some courage and write something.
Here is what I came up with:
I don't love who I am. I never like what I see in the mirror. I know that everyone deals with this in some way, shape or form on the daily. Its a part of life. We are our own worst critic and most of the time the things we don't like about ourselves are not what others around us notice.
So I tried to perfect the things I didn't like, but only ended up hurting myself more when I 1) didn't see the results I wanted and 2) got injured or sick.
I am not running for the right reasons. Instead of using it as a way to de-stress and live a healthy lifestyle, I used it to numb the pain I was feeling and to look the way I wanted to look.
Too often, I let running be my label and I never sought for other things to put in my life to make me happy.
I am too dependent on running. Yes, I love running with my whole heart. When I first started the sport, I loved every feeling it gave me, and I still do. However, most days this past year, I became too dependent on the happiness it gave me. So, when a run didn't go EXACTLY the way I wanted it to, I felt terrible about myself and my abilities.
I do not like to admit that I am hurting. There has been so many moments in my life where I have not told my closest friends and family members that I am having a tough time. The vulnerability that comes with it terrifies me and I don't want to appear "weak" to those around me, even though there is more strength that comes with acceptance.
My life revolves around running and I struggle to find beauty in other things. When I run, I feel like my mind, body and soul are one in the same. That beauty of that is undeniably perfect. However, I stubbornly thought that this was the only beautiful thing out there.
I care too much about results. Before competing or really any task for that matter, I always think about the outcome. I want things to go a certain way and I work hard to make it happen. However, the more I focus on outcomes and results, the more I let myself down when I can't meet my own expectations.
Not being able to run has been extremely difficult, knowing that it is my senior year. I was embarrassed and hurt. I felt like I was letting a lot of people down and I think that is why it has taken me around a month to get back to blogging. I felt like I lost my identity. However, as much as running is a part of who I am, it does not define me as a person and I am working on accepting this idea.
I have been searching for ways to find happiness outside of the sport that I feel has shaped me to be the person I am today. And this is no small task. Who would've thought that finding a new temporary hobby would be so difficult? In fact, I believe that I took running for granted more often than not just recently. You never do realize how much you love something/someone until it/they are gone.
So what's the point of this post? The answer is still not exactly clear to me even. I guess it was a way for me to vent about my situation but at the same time, I think that anybody going through a bump in a road needs to know that they are not alone. I have found that spending time with your family and friends and people who emulate love and happiness are super important people to be around.
I miss the feeling of running. I miss every little thing about running. I miss the exhaustion that came with it and the excitement and fear. I miss racing and the accomplishment of finishing even just a easy run. I miss how it often made me lose track of time, lose track of what hurts, and lose track of what worried me. To miss it though, is a complete understatement.
Healing. I know that it is not my fault that I got injured, especially since I was doing everything to prevent it. But I also know that it is now my responsibility to heal. It has come in waves and some days those waves hit the rocks but I look forward to the days it doesn't. Until then, I am working on cultivating love, getting rid of toxicity in my life and resting what needs to be rested whether it be my foot or my mind. I know that there is peace within the storm right now and that it did not come to destroy everything around me but rather clear my path for what is to come.
I thought for a while that I had lost all hope. I felt like I could not validate my talents. But I realized that I am who I am, not what sport I play. Even without running, I am still me. I will always be me. I trust that my "someday" is coming. I am not worried about when it will be because I know that my hard work will not go to waste. There is so much beauty in not knowing and just trusting. And I am breathing it all in.
Until next time,
Lo
Book of the Week: What I Know For Sure By: Oprah
Song of the Week: Adversity By: Beach Fossils
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