"There's no such thing as love, its a fantasy".
I got this quote from a movie I watched over the weekend called (500) Days of Summer(a.k.a one of the best movies of all time). It tells the hopeless love story of a girl named Summer who doesn't believe love exists and Tom, the man who falls in love with her. The whole idea of the story is heart-wrenching and complicated and as I have watched it over and over, I have felt the pain of both characters. On one side there is Tom, who believes that there is someone out there who is "the one" and that fate will bring them together. Tom has confidence that Summer is "the one" when he first meets her which is why the viewers feel like they are being stabbed in the chest when they find out early on in the movie that they don't end up together. (and no this is not a spoiler, read the title of the movie)! Then on the other side, there is Summer who has confidence that love is a lie, that love is simply not real. She proposes that Tom and her remain friends(with all of the benefits of a couple...yikes).
The first couple of times that I watched the movie, I hated Summer. I hated how she broke the sweet and sensible Tom's heart. But, as time went on, I started to notice other details in the movie that I had never seen before. I recognized several flaws in Tom's character that lead me to believe the producers and writers had a message to be heard(besides the one I heard which was "love sucks").
Tom was absorbed by the idea of being with Summer. It took a hold on his entire life and he became attached too quickly. He became dependent on Summer and the happiness she brought into his life. This brought utter catastrophe when obviously it didn't work out. So, even though I felt for Tom and his broken heart, I saw how flawed love can truly be if we are to let it control our lives.
I look at it this way. This movie describes 500 days of a relationship that could have been condensed to around 100. It took that long for Tom to finally realize that he needed to move on with his life, and more importantly move on without Summer. So, love is freaking stubborn.
But this movie made me question the full definition of love. Is it a fantasy like Summer said, or is it real and meant to happen with one person?
I asked everyone on Instagram to tell me what they thought love was(thank you to everyone who participated, I got so many awesome and helpful responses). However, prior to that, I had my intuitions.
When I talk about love with other people, I always get different definitions. To some people, love is religion or faith. To others, love is your Grandma's cooking. It is always different. Always. So then I wondered, how can any of us actually be in love with each other in the same way? Is love a thing or a feeling? Can we be in love?
I want to share some of the responses I got with all of you before I go on:
"Effort"
"Love is the calm before the storm. The beginning of full trust after the early uncertainty"
"comfortable silence. a complete liberation of inhibitions. acceptance of flaws"
"giving without expecting to receive"
"when someone embraces every part of you. from the goofy ass side to the 3am spiraling side"
"acceptance, a choice and a feeling"
"always having this one person to turn to to be completely serious or do something dumb"
"sacrifice"
"work and endurance, but somehow still the best thing that will ever happen to you"
"wholeness-loving and being loved celebrate the whole self, the best and the worst parts"
"when you feel all happy and bubbly inside when you are with your love"
(and the list goes on)
When I was reading through all of these, I kept thinking about how I viewed love and its effects on me. And what I have come to recognize is this, love is not one thing. Love is nuanced. Each person views it differently and feels it in different ways. I think this is what the writers of "(500) Days of Summer" were trying to say through the heart break of Tom and the beliefs of Summer. Love is real, but nobody feels it in the same way and at the same time.
Love is inherently free. We can't make people love us(Tom could not make Summer love him) and we really don't choose who we love(Tom did not choose to love Summer, he just did). Bottom line is this: love is f-ing complicated and there are no short-cuts to it. Love is its own law and has more control over us than we have over it. That is why Tom's frustration is highlighted so often during the film, showing how controlling and unpredictable love can be.
One of my favorite scenes of the movie is during the last 15 minutes. Tom and Summer are sitting on a bench talking about what had happened with their relationship. Summer, who is now married, talks to a confused Tom about her marriage and how she could have just changed her mind about love so quickly. Summer says, "I just woke up one morning and I knew". Tom responds, "You knew what". Summer says, "Something I was never sure of when I was with you". Yup, I was crying at this point. Summer later goes on to say that Tom helped her find her actual "true love" and that even though she once believed that fate was not involved in love, without Tom, she would have never realized what she truly wanted in a partner.
It's funny because I love this movie, even though it tears me to pieces. I love the realistic qualities and explanations of love that come with it. It taught me not to be so naive when it comes to relationships and love because it is never perfect. It taught me that I shouldn't be looking for the "one", it can be blinding and cause me to neglect the beauty all around. And most importantly, it taught me that I need to let love happen on its own and not be constantly searching for it because at the end of the day, love is only natural when it is purely from you and within you.
I am completely aware that this could take a year, a decade or even longer but love is patient and I need to be patient too.
Until Next Time,
Lo:)
- I highly recommend watching the movie whenever you get the time. Its not on netflix or hulu but available for rent pretty much anywhere. Let me know your thoughts too:)
Comments